i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
His nipple licking is glorious
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