I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
