She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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