Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
