Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
