there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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