Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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