I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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