my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
