woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
