after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
