The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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