Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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