just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
