The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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