Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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