You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
