i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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