i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
