I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
