Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
