So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
