I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
