oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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