so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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