You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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