Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
