I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
