why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
