I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
