I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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