Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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