I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
