Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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