i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
