I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
