Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
