i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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