I think my vagina is haunted
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I want her autograph on my taint
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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