Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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