I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
