I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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