You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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