i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
