i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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