just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
