Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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