it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
