Only a mothe r could love this liver
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So. Much. Porn.
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