I wish my penis had an off switch
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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