You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Is Oprah even human
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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